Sheep!

I often wonder of the sheep, a mooching round the field
What would happen if their fleece was proper air tight sealed
Would the air as trapped within heat up in sunshine soon
and leave them floating high above like mutton filled balloons?

The Ballad of Evil Tony and His Hoarde of Miniature Penguins

Tony was but twenty one when he found out his art
He liked to make small penguins from rotting body parts
Night and day he toiled away, a dedicated fella,
He made about four thousand and kept them in his cellar

Some he put in fancy dress, and one was like Monroe
The leader dressed as Hendrix, complete with Strat and 'fro
Now Tony hatched an Evil plan, it really was a big 'un
To take away the one good thing that's ever come from Wigan

The penguins cried, they wanted food, but he ignored their calls
He built them up a hunger for Uncle Joes Mint Balls
Then one night as darkness reigned he led them to the street
Singing songs of ale and pies with clogs upon their feet

On they crept up Library Street and walking past the baths
They looked in through the window and they shared one or two laughs
Sneaking up to Market Street, cared not for Wigan Campus,
They had just one thing in mind, a siege of William Santus!

Closer now, they pressed on through, the target nearly sighted
Surely now old Uncle Joe and all his staff were blighted
But as the street light flickered on the evil hoarde were spotted
By a couple shagging in a car who clearly were besotted

"Look out!" they cried to try and help, but they were quite unwise
The penguins set upon the two and sorted their demise
But someone in the Santus yard had wondered who had cried
And opening one window up, he took a look outside

By now the clan of evil birds was pushing at the door,
The worker screamed then caught his breath which let him scream some more
Then Uncle Joe himself appeared to see what was the fuss
As crafty penguins made a siege tower from a bus

"Quickly, men!" he spoke with might as workers saw their foe
Armed with tonnes of fresh mint balls, they fired at hell below
Sticky syrup, hot as sun, was poured out on the birds
Who as they met a sticky death did utter harshest words

As quickly as they had arrived, the penguins were dispatched
And Evil Tony realised he'd really met his match
But Uncle Joe, he was not done, not finished with this nutter
He made him into tasty pies and served with bread and butter.

The Caterpillar

Caterpillar caterpillar running down the street
Please refrain from stamping all your tiny litle feet
For though as individuals your feel are rather quiet
100 stamping feet at once is sounding like a riot!

Big Audrey

Way Back in the quondam days, a child was born a big 'un
An no-one knew this giant babe would be the saviour of Wigan
The hero of our story is no butch and manly chump,
But one young lass from Landgate way by name of Audrey Crump

The story starts some years ago when Audrey was a lass
Clogs a-chafin on her feet kept her from learnin in class
"Audrey Crump, just listen, eh?" The teachers always cried
They never knew that one day she would fill them all with pride

Now Audrey left her grammar school no wiser than she started
She got a job on Eric's farm, who's wife had sadly parted
On and on she worked all day and never caused much harm,
Just show the girl a field of wheat, she'd quickly fill the barn

Now Audrey was a homely lass, and never was she classy,
With shoulders like two sides of beef she'd easy lift a Massey
Each hand was near a hundred weight, and good eight inch across
Audrey learned that just a tap could easy kill a hoss.

And so she stood at seventeen, her wooly arms like sleepers
Her flowing curly teeth were hanging from her mouth like creepers
On her way past Asda to get her nails done at t' farriers
She heard a load of shouting from some folk stood at some barriers

"For pete's sake someone help them" came a cry from over t'clatter
So Audrey stumbled over to see what was the matter
And there it came, the acrid smoke not seen since down the pit
Was pouring out the D.W. as flames proved it were lit

'Neath the big west stand was all ablaze and filled wi' smoke
And standing at the windows were some worried lookin folk
The fire roared and grew in size, and no-one dared go in
No one, that is, 'cept Audrey who just took it on the chin

She hitched that big old sack cloth dress way up above the knee
And kicked the door which offered up no fight for size twelve feet
Dashing through the building she was grabbing left and right
Gath'ring all the people she could carry with her might

Three went on each shoulder as the fire grew in size
Two were clinging on for dear life to Audrey's thighs
Out she ran t' car park, distant flames now only flickers
A much abashed Dave Whelan was produced from in her knickers

But then a scream to chill the blood arose from in the place
And looking up all Audrey saw was one poor youngster's face
Up again the dress did go as in our Audrey ran
And headed to the sports suite to retrieve the stricken man

Bounding up the stairs again, three within each stride
She booted in the final door and saw the lad inside
Cowereing the lad could not move out to where she stood
And so she had to drag him out and held him by his hood

The fire had really taken hold and joists and all were falling
Audrey knew she had to get him out and followed the calling
As she neared the door there was one almighty crash
And beams of twisted iron fell across Big Audrey's path


She saw the gap, so small it was, she threw the young lad out
And trying to escape herself she gave that steel a clout
It wouldn't budge and worst of all a beam fell on her head
Those who saw cried out in fear as Audrey was thought dead

One big almighty bang as all the stadium did fall
And I can only guess it took Big Audrey down an' all
And though her body never was it found in all that mess
The firemen did find one hobnailed boot and audrey's dress

But rumour has it, and I'm quite inclined to agree
She was not the kind of woman to die easily
You see, as all the rubble was moved carefully around
A hole could be seen disappearing in t' ground

Only when a fella far more brave than you or me
Ventured in the tunnel did the world then finally see
That Audrey did not fade away to join the dear departed
She'd burrowed through t' farriers to finish what she started.

A quick intro. How rude of me.

Ok, to anyone who's actually bothereing to read this mess, I would like to extend a warm hug and a nice brew. Sit down and read my wafflings. It won't take you long.

Oh- and maybe, just maybe, you'll feel a little bit happier for having done it.

Doubful, but possible.

Big thanks to anyone who's given their time to bolster my confidence just a little bit by visiting.

My name is Iain, I am over 30, and so basically on my way out. I would usually gracefully bow and and let the next lot through, but I don't know them so sod 'em.
These pages will hopefully contain some of my thoughts and poems which are designed mainly just to get all the silliness out of my head so I can concentrate on being a worker and a dad.
I hope you enjoy them!

Muchos muchos.

The Ponderer

Big Fat Dave

Big Fat Dave couldn’t hack it no more, the gaffer he said he were crap.

So Big Fat Dave took his arse up the stairs and on ‘t gaffer’s door he did tap.

When Big Fat Dave got into the room, there weren’t much space left to spare

So Big Fat Dave drew in a deep breath, and took in nigh all o’ the air.

“Thy’s crap!” Said Dave as the gaffer did gasp, as gradually blue he did go

Then just before he perished and died, Fat Dave did let the air blow

The gaffer recovered and took Dave’s hint and gave the Fat Man a job

And Gaffer said soz to Big Fat Dave saying “you’re not crap, just a knob!”