Big Audrey

Way Back in the quondam days, a child was born a big 'un
An no-one knew this giant babe would be the saviour of Wigan
The hero of our story is no butch and manly chump,
But one young lass from Landgate way by name of Audrey Crump

The story starts some years ago when Audrey was a lass
Clogs a-chafin on her feet kept her from learnin in class
"Audrey Crump, just listen, eh?" The teachers always cried
They never knew that one day she would fill them all with pride

Now Audrey left her grammar school no wiser than she started
She got a job on Eric's farm, who's wife had sadly parted
On and on she worked all day and never caused much harm,
Just show the girl a field of wheat, she'd quickly fill the barn

Now Audrey was a homely lass, and never was she classy,
With shoulders like two sides of beef she'd easy lift a Massey
Each hand was near a hundred weight, and good eight inch across
Audrey learned that just a tap could easy kill a hoss.

And so she stood at seventeen, her wooly arms like sleepers
Her flowing curly teeth were hanging from her mouth like creepers
On her way past Asda to get her nails done at t' farriers
She heard a load of shouting from some folk stood at some barriers

"For pete's sake someone help them" came a cry from over t'clatter
So Audrey stumbled over to see what was the matter
And there it came, the acrid smoke not seen since down the pit
Was pouring out the D.W. as flames proved it were lit

'Neath the big west stand was all ablaze and filled wi' smoke
And standing at the windows were some worried lookin folk
The fire roared and grew in size, and no-one dared go in
No one, that is, 'cept Audrey who just took it on the chin

She hitched that big old sack cloth dress way up above the knee
And kicked the door which offered up no fight for size twelve feet
Dashing through the building she was grabbing left and right
Gath'ring all the people she could carry with her might

Three went on each shoulder as the fire grew in size
Two were clinging on for dear life to Audrey's thighs
Out she ran t' car park, distant flames now only flickers
A much abashed Dave Whelan was produced from in her knickers

But then a scream to chill the blood arose from in the place
And looking up all Audrey saw was one poor youngster's face
Up again the dress did go as in our Audrey ran
And headed to the sports suite to retrieve the stricken man

Bounding up the stairs again, three within each stride
She booted in the final door and saw the lad inside
Cowereing the lad could not move out to where she stood
And so she had to drag him out and held him by his hood

The fire had really taken hold and joists and all were falling
Audrey knew she had to get him out and followed the calling
As she neared the door there was one almighty crash
And beams of twisted iron fell across Big Audrey's path


She saw the gap, so small it was, she threw the young lad out
And trying to escape herself she gave that steel a clout
It wouldn't budge and worst of all a beam fell on her head
Those who saw cried out in fear as Audrey was thought dead

One big almighty bang as all the stadium did fall
And I can only guess it took Big Audrey down an' all
And though her body never was it found in all that mess
The firemen did find one hobnailed boot and audrey's dress

But rumour has it, and I'm quite inclined to agree
She was not the kind of woman to die easily
You see, as all the rubble was moved carefully around
A hole could be seen disappearing in t' ground

Only when a fella far more brave than you or me
Ventured in the tunnel did the world then finally see
That Audrey did not fade away to join the dear departed
She'd burrowed through t' farriers to finish what she started.