The Ballad of Evil Tony and His Hoarde of Miniature Penguins

Tony was but twenty one when he found out his art
He liked to make small penguins from rotting body parts
Night and day he toiled away, a dedicated fella,
He made about four thousand and kept them in his cellar

Some he put in fancy dress, and one was like Monroe
The leader dressed as Hendrix, complete with Strat and 'fro
Now Tony hatched an Evil plan, it really was a big 'un
To take away the one good thing that's ever come from Wigan

The penguins cried, they wanted food, but he ignored their calls
He built them up a hunger for Uncle Joes Mint Balls
Then one night as darkness reigned he led them to the street
Singing songs of ale and pies with clogs upon their feet

On they crept up Library Street and walking past the baths
They looked in through the window and they shared one or two laughs
Sneaking up to Market Street, cared not for Wigan Campus,
They had just one thing in mind, a siege of William Santus!

Closer now, they pressed on through, the target nearly sighted
Surely now old Uncle Joe and all his staff were blighted
But as the street light flickered on the evil hoarde were spotted
By a couple shagging in a car who clearly were besotted

"Look out!" they cried to try and help, but they were quite unwise
The penguins set upon the two and sorted their demise
But someone in the Santus yard had wondered who had cried
And opening one window up, he took a look outside

By now the clan of evil birds was pushing at the door,
The worker screamed then caught his breath which let him scream some more
Then Uncle Joe himself appeared to see what was the fuss
As crafty penguins made a siege tower from a bus

"Quickly, men!" he spoke with might as workers saw their foe
Armed with tonnes of fresh mint balls, they fired at hell below
Sticky syrup, hot as sun, was poured out on the birds
Who as they met a sticky death did utter harshest words

As quickly as they had arrived, the penguins were dispatched
And Evil Tony realised he'd really met his match
But Uncle Joe, he was not done, not finished with this nutter
He made him into tasty pies and served with bread and butter.